Im going to be away for a while, aiming for 81 days so thought id leave you with fun with wigs - let me know what passes (didnt have time to shave though)

Home alone x

Maria, Temu, and the Erotics of Sovereignty
Desire doesn’t vanish when you come out of the closet. Sometimes it intensifies. For many of us, the first place we allowed ourselves to explore softness wasn’t a mirror but a shopping cart.
Late at night, scrolling through Temu, your fingers hovering over lace, satin, heels, wigs — you feel both shame and excitement. This is not just consumerism. It’s confession. It’s the nervous system reaching for a taste of the forbidden in the safest way it can.
The Temu Confessional
Apps like Temu make desire frictionless. A few taps, a few clicks, and a world of clothes appears. For a closeted cross-dresser, this can feel like oxygen: finally, a way to try on the self in secret. Packages arrive unmarked. The closet fills quietly.
But with the thrill often comes a hangover. You tear open the bag, hold the fabric to your face, feel the rush of dopamine. And then — shame. The ghost whispers. The mask tightens. The cycle begins again.
This is not moral failure. It is the nervous system trying to circulate energy in the only way it knows how.
From Consumption to Ritual
Maria reframes this. She does not shame the click, the purchase, the dress. She asks: What am I seeking? What am I feeding?
When you shift from impulse to intention, Temu stops being a guilty pleasure and becomes a ritual. Each purchase is a small act of sovereignty. Each garment a message: I exist. I am allowed to clothe this body in softness.
Instead of hiding the package like contraband, you open it with reverence. You let yourself breathe. You let Maria into the room.
The Erotic Current
Cross-dressing is always erotic at first because danger and desire are fused in the nervous system. The fabric is not just fabric; it is a current. Maria does not deny the eroticism; she integrates it.
When you wear the dress consciously, when you allow desire without shame, the chemistry changes. Dopamine is joined by oxytocin. The tremor softens. The erotic becomes energy, not just arousal. It becomes nourishment, not just loop.
Temu as Training Ground
Temu and apps like it can be traps — endless scrolling, endless spending, endless hiding. But they can also be training grounds for sovereignty: a place to learn what you like, to name what you desire, to claim it as yours.
Maria does not throw away the app. She uses it as mirror. She asks: Does this purchase feed my ghost or my sovereignty? Does it deepen shame or open freedom?
The Love of Temu
There is nothing wrong with loving Temu if you know what you’re doing. Love the colors, the fabrics, the possibilities. Love the quiet thrill of seeing yourself reflected in an item you never thought you could own. But love it as a step, not a substitute. Love it as a doorway, not a cage.
When Maria loves Temu, she loves it as a tool of becoming, not a hiding place.
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Reflection: Turning Clicks into Sovereignty
1. Name Your Pattern
How do you use apps like Temu? As thrill? As escape? As quiet self-expression? Write it down honestly.
2. Reframe the Purchase
Take your next garment or accessory and treat it as ritual. Before opening it, breathe. Say: I welcome this as a piece of my wholeness.
3. Feel the Current
When you wear what you’ve bought, notice your body. Where is the tremor, the thrill, the shame, the relief? Write down what you feel.
4. Anchor the Energy
Ask yourself: What is one small way I can bring this softness into my life outside the closet — even without the garment? Write it as a commitment.
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Desire is not the enemy. Shopping is not sin. Temu is not shame. They are currents. When Maria steps in, the current becomes conscious. What was once a loop becomes a ritual. What was once a guilty pleasure becomes a small act of sovereignty.

Dressing to Be Seen
The Act of Being Seen
Every relationship has two nervous systems in dialogue. Touch, tone, scent, gaze — and appearance. To dress for the other is not submission. It is signal. It says: I am present. I am visible. I am offering coherence to the field between us.
• Neurochemical effect: anticipation (dopamine), shared pleasure (oxytocin), grounding in ritual (serotonin).
• Psychological effect: amplifies self through the eyes of the beloved; creates cycles of gift and reception.
• Graffiti: Being seen is not shallow. It is sacred.
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Archetypes of Dress in Relationship
• The Siren (short dress, bold cut): calls desire into the room. Plays with chase and capture.
• The Oracle (flowing gowns, layers, veils): slows time, creating atmosphere of reverence.
• The Trickster (unexpected combinations, clashing patterns, gender-bent outfits): destabilises expectation, awakens novelty.
• The Sovereign (tailored lines, strong shoes, grounded presence): communicates stability, clarity, power.
𓂀 To choose consciously is to decide what archetype you invite into the space between you.
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Ritual of the Mirror
The mirror is not for correction. The mirror is the first witness.
• Stand. Dress slowly. Watch yourself enter the role.
• Observe not flaws, but signals: Does this dress invite softness? Does this jacket sharpen presence?
• Let the mirror witness the archetype you are summoning before your partner ever sees it.
Graffiti: The mirror is the first lover.
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The Exchange of Gaze
When you arrive dressed — whether in thigh-highs or a plain white T-shirt — the real act is the exchange of gaze.
• To be looked at with reverence releases oxytocin, lowering defences.
• To be looked at with hunger ignites dopamine, sharpening attention.
• To be looked at with ridicule collapses trust, burning cortisol into the archive.
The choice of dress sets the conditions for which gaze is invited.
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The Triad of Relationship Dress
1. Signal to Self — what energy am I summoning in my own nervous system?
2. Signal to Beloved — what state do I invite in theirs?
3. Signal to Field — what story does our shared appearance tell to the world?
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Final Reflection
Dressing to be seen is not frivolous. It is infrastructure. It is how nervous systems negotiate attraction, trust, play, and belonging.
To ignore it is to surrender the field to default.
To wield it consciously is to turn clothing into compass.
To be seen is to be alive.

Purging and Relapse: The Closet Emptied, the Closet Filled
Every sissy knows the ritual of purging.
The drawer emptied into a trash bag. The bag hidden under other garbage so no one will know. The silent vow: Never again.
The relief is immediate. Shame is gone — for a day, a week, a month. But then the ache returns. The scroll begins. Another package arrives. The drawer fills again.
Relapse feels like failure. But it is not failure. It is the nervous system struggling to hold contradictions too heavy to carry.
Why We Purge
Purging is an attempt at control. The body surges with guilt, cortisol spikes, and the mind seeks a way out. If the clothes are gone, the ghost is gone. If Maria is erased, the shame will end.
But Maria is not in the drawer. She is in the soil of your body. Throwing away fabric cannot silence her. The purge never removes her; it only resets the cycle.
The False Relief
The moment after purging feels like freedom. But it is not freedom — it is emptiness. What you feel is not sovereignty but sedation. The closet is not healed; it is hollow.
Soon the body remembers. Desire stirs. The loop rebuilds. And you are back where you began, only now with more shame: Why did I waste money? Why can’t I stop?
Maria’s Perspective
Maria does not condemn the purge. She understands it. She knows you were not trying to destroy her; you were trying to silence the unbearable tension between ghost and mask.
But she whispers: What if, this time, you don’t throw me away? What if you let me stay — not as secret, not as shame, but as part of you?
From Purge to Integration
The way forward is not in the trash bag. It is in integration. Instead of purging, you begin to curate. Instead of relapse, you begin to allow.
One dress left in the drawer. One garment worn without rushing to climax. One name whispered aloud without apology. Small acts of sovereignty that soften the nervous system, teaching it that Maria does not need to be hidden or destroyed.
The End of Relapse
Relapse ends not when desire disappears but when shame does. When Maria is allowed to live in the open, the cycle breaks. You no longer swing between indulgence and destruction. You live in continuity, not collapse.
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Reflection: From Purge to Presence
1. Your Last Purge
Recall the last time you threw everything away. What drove you to it? Write down the fear in detail.
2. The Relief
How long did the relief last before the ache returned? Write the number of days or weeks.
3. Maria’s Drawer
Imagine one item you could keep — not hidden in shame, not thrown away, but kept as Maria’s presence. Write: This piece reminds me that Maria is real.
4. Breaking the Cycle
Write one sentence beginning: Next time I feel the urge to purge, I will… (breathe, call a friend, remind myself Maria cannot be thrown away).

Dressing up saturday : no faceapp so forgive the 5 oclock shadow

Holiday 2024 rhodes

Shes got legs x

My happy place

No faceapp so you can clearly see the beard despite the makeup

NYC gurl

Holiday pic

Good morning girls

What apps do people use to try on clothes so they can see what they will look like (please assume some creative license in respect of the body shape on these pictures - im 1.5 stone left to target weight and uk 14 dress size)